HEY VOTER, NEED A WARMUP?

Couple friends suggested I unplug from “Abbotsford reality” for an evening and check out Tim Felger’s favourite band, Papa Roach, at UBC Thunderbird Arena.
These pals promised that the Grammy-nominated rockers – with hits such as Last Resort, Getting Away With Murder, Blanket of Fear, Blood and Days of War – should help this scribe unwind and forget about gangs, thugs and power-hungry politicians for a few hours.
All righty then, cue up the prescription to get over the not-so-catchy bug that is “B.C. election fever.”
It was about mega-decibel song No. 5, with vibrating teeth and eyeballs threatening to divorce my shocked body, when one pal shrieks: “So, when’s voting day again? And who is running in my riding?”
Hmmm, talk about escaping reality.
So, for those just tuning in, or those thinking about tuning out, we offer this 11th hour, My Two Bits election quiz. Good luck:
* Pundits suggest a goat could run as a Liberal in the Fraser Valley and win. Your thoughts:
a.) Baaahaaa, humbug!
b.) Import smart dude named “Billy” to run for NDP.
c.) Don’t we have enough butt-heads in Victoria?
* If you were to suggest a theme song for the riding of Abbotsford South – with gas pedal-friendly candidates John van Dongen and Bonnie Rai – it would be:
a.) I Can’t Drive 55.
b.) Go Johnny Go.
c.) Bonnie and the Jets.
* Premier Gordon Campbell maintains that hiking minimum wage in B.C. would be a certain business killer. Your reaction:
a.) Hiking the pay of politicians, senior bureaucrats and advisers one more freakin’ time will do much the same!
b.) Closing roads and limiting access to offices during the Olympics isn’t great for business.
c.) When was the last time Our Gordo paid for anything with his own money?
* NDP leader Carole James insists the premier is out of touch, aloof, glib, mean-spirited, dishonest, illusive and responsible for Victoria’s secrets and scandals. Your thoughts:
a.) Finally, she’s making some sense here.
b.) Forgot to mention part about that pesky premier being ahead of her in the polls.
c.) Don’t all B.C. governments have secrets and scandals?
* Omitted from campaign rhetoric thus far has been talk about the recession and what programs may be cut if provincial revenues continue to plummet. You’re a bit worried because:
a.) Paying $50 to cross the Port Mann might be excessive.
b.) Counting on casinos to pay for nurses and teachers is a tad risky.
c.) How will our MLAs and premier justify their next above-average pay hike?
* You’re very confused about STV and the fact you have to vote for or against it. Your thoughts:
a.) Abstinence would have prevented these shots.
b.) When did Eugene Levy, Rick Moranis and Martin Short get involved in B.C. politics?
c.) Do they have high-def on that network?
* The Nude Garden Party, Sex Party and Work Less Party are among the many “fringe” groups seeking votes in Tuesday’s election. These “parties” want you to work less, live more and be able to roam in the nude. Your thoughts:
a.) Heck, we called that an office party in the ’80s.
b.) I know of at least three perfect candidates from my office for the Work Less Party!
c.) So much for hidden agendas!
* Due to voter apathy, the campaign has turned nasty, with character assassinations and mudslinging overshadowing promises and policies. Some of your favourite attack ads are:
a.) Gordon Campbell hates you and eats children.
b.) Carole James: Wrong party, Wrong leader. Wrong time.
c.) You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.