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POLITICOS, PUCKS AND PARLEZ

Following are some notes that may one day grow up to become columns of their own:
Can’t think of many “highlights” from the B.C. election campaign, other than being thrilled it’s now over and TV can return to pitching Tim Hortons coffee, beer and Viagra.
However, before we dismiss Election ’09, lest we forget how low some memory challenged folks will dive to lure your vote.
Never believe any B.C. party leader when he or she says they are above hitting below the belt – trust me, they have more than enough “HQ hitmen” willing to do the dirty deeds they orchestrate (or approve) without leaving DNA evidence at the scene.
While plain brown envelopes were slipped under many newsroom doors before Tuesday, ours included, it was an 11th-hour attempt to smear NDP leader Carole James that broke the camel’s back in a rather uninspiring campaign overflowing with hypocrisy and character assassinations – and void of precise plans for our future.
James went on CFOX radio’s morning show last month to encourage the rock station’s young demographic to get out and vote, preferably for her of course, but vote nonetheless.
She answered some oh-so tough questions like: “After a hot day, would you go for a beer or a girlie drink?” And, “Have you ever waxed your upper lip?”
James, who doesn’t strike me as the class-clown type, played along with the non-politically correct staffers.
Following the goofy show, the DJs got together for a group photo with the busy NDP leader. The radio folks were wearing T-shirts that said Resist 2010 Bitches, an anti-Olympic movement slogan of sorts.
The mundane grip-and-grin photo ended up on the NDP website and, presto, a “scandal” was manufactured by the Liberals. And just because the NDP may have slung dirt first is really no excuse to retaliate – from where I sit, if you want to play the Which photo is worse game, methinks a drunk Gordon Campbell posing at the Hawaii cop shop still stands out as No. 1 in the Politico Hall of Shame.
Well, make that No. 2. Tied for No. 1 is this year’s campaign where we learned more about driving records, Facebook pictures, attack ads and legal problems than we ever learned what candidates would do if elected. Many of our “great choices” were too busy running for cover or away from something to explain what they were running for.
* It sure didn’t take long for the Vancouver Canucks’ bandwagon to unload and implode Thursday night following a series-ending loss to the Chicago Blackhawks.
Emotional fans wanted the coach, the goalie and the stickboy tortured and beheaded for losing to a better team.
From where I sit, the Canucks who have to go for being too slow, too soft, too overpaid, too old, too injury prone or too in over their heads are: Pavol Demitra, Taylor Pyatt, Mats Sundin, Kevin Bieksa, Mattias Ohlund and, sorry in advance to those who love to Louuuuuu when they’re not booing, Roberto Luongo. Your thoughts?
* Seems there is a nasty fracas over French at the Richmond Olympic Oval.
The 2010 Winter Games venue has one big sign in English, which isn’t enough for all those in Ottawa who believe we desperately need French signs in Richmond.
According to the 2006 census, English is the mother tongue of 71 per cent of B.C. residents, followed by Punjabi, Cantonese and Chinese. French is seventh.
Some francophone MPs and senators insist there will be a French sign on the oval before the opening ceremonies or there will be “hell to pay” in this official bilingual country.
Dare we talk now about the French-only signs in Quebec, or is that better left for another day?

GO JOHNNY GO!

HEY VOTER, NEED A WARMUP?

Couple friends suggested I unplug from “Abbotsford reality” for an evening and check out Tim Felger’s favourite band, Papa Roach, at UBC Thunderbird Arena.
These pals promised that the Grammy-nominated rockers – with hits such as Last Resort, Getting Away With Murder, Blanket of Fear, Blood and Days of War – should help this scribe unwind and forget about gangs, thugs and power-hungry politicians for a few hours.
All righty then, cue up the prescription to get over the not-so-catchy bug that is “B.C. election fever.”
It was about mega-decibel song No. 5, with vibrating teeth and eyeballs threatening to divorce my shocked body, when one pal shrieks: “So, when’s voting day again? And who is running in my riding?”
Hmmm, talk about escaping reality.
So, for those just tuning in, or those thinking about tuning out, we offer this 11th hour, My Two Bits election quiz. Good luck:
* Pundits suggest a goat could run as a Liberal in the Fraser Valley and win. Your thoughts:
a.) Baaahaaa, humbug!
b.) Import smart dude named “Billy” to run for NDP.
c.) Don’t we have enough butt-heads in Victoria?
* If you were to suggest a theme song for the riding of Abbotsford South – with gas pedal-friendly candidates John van Dongen and Bonnie Rai – it would be:
a.) I Can’t Drive 55.
b.) Go Johnny Go.
c.) Bonnie and the Jets.
* Premier Gordon Campbell maintains that hiking minimum wage in B.C. would be a certain business killer. Your reaction:
a.) Hiking the pay of politicians, senior bureaucrats and advisers one more freakin’ time will do much the same!
b.) Closing roads and limiting access to offices during the Olympics isn’t great for business.
c.) When was the last time Our Gordo paid for anything with his own money?
* NDP leader Carole James insists the premier is out of touch, aloof, glib, mean-spirited, dishonest, illusive and responsible for Victoria’s secrets and scandals. Your thoughts:
a.) Finally, she’s making some sense here.
b.) Forgot to mention part about that pesky premier being ahead of her in the polls.
c.) Don’t all B.C. governments have secrets and scandals?
* Omitted from campaign rhetoric thus far has been talk about the recession and what programs may be cut if provincial revenues continue to plummet. You’re a bit worried because:
a.) Paying $50 to cross the Port Mann might be excessive.
b.) Counting on casinos to pay for nurses and teachers is a tad risky.
c.) How will our MLAs and premier justify their next above-average pay hike?
* You’re very confused about STV and the fact you have to vote for or against it. Your thoughts:
a.) Abstinence would have prevented these shots.
b.) When did Eugene Levy, Rick Moranis and Martin Short get involved in B.C. politics?
c.) Do they have high-def on that network?
* The Nude Garden Party, Sex Party and Work Less Party are among the many “fringe” groups seeking votes in Tuesday’s election. These “parties” want you to work less, live more and be able to roam in the nude. Your thoughts:
a.) Heck, we called that an office party in the ’80s.
b.) I know of at least three perfect candidates from my office for the Work Less Party!
c.) So much for hidden agendas!
* Due to voter apathy, the campaign has turned nasty, with character assassinations and mudslinging overshadowing promises and policies. Some of your favourite attack ads are:
a.) Gordon Campbell hates you and eats children.
b.) Carole James: Wrong party, Wrong leader. Wrong time.
c.) You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

GO JOHNNY GO? SLOW DOWN!

So, let me try and get this straight: Barack Obama admits to using marijuana, cocaine and binge drinking and the U.S. president is quickly proclaimed the Next Great Hope.
John van Dongen admits to a speeding problem and some want our MLA’s lead foot turfed from office faster than you can sing Radar Love.
Explain this to me.
Vancouver Sun columnist Vaughn Palmer, one of the wiser writers in the dumbed-down world of reportage, wrote Saturday that Solicitor General van Dongen – also the minister in charge of public safety – is now his Hypocrite of the Year finalist.
Predictably, B.C. Conservative Party leader Wilf Hanni then demanded van Dongen’s resignation, suggesting Gurcharan Dhaliwal would be a much better representative for Abbotsford South.
Gurcharan who? Talk about the need for being brought up-to-speed in this rather bland provincial election campaign.
For what it’s worth, the real “scandal” would be if van Dongen tried to use his power to escape traffic fines or penalties. He didn’t. He manned up. The system seems to work, doesn’t it? And isn’t it comforting to know we’re not the only ones making ICBC donations?
You expect politicians to call for his job, because it’s the only way they’ll likely unseat him in an area where he is respected.
You expect voters, especially those not preferring Liberals, to demand an execution and replacement, despite many not knowing the difference between an MLA or an MP.
It is fair to suggest van Dongen’s days as a credible spokesperson for safe driving are over. Just as Premier Gordon Campbell may not be poster material for Mothers Against Drunk Driving campaigns.
But van Dongen remains an effective politician and standup human being – and, perhaps, the perfect dude to catch a ride with if you’re running late, but we digress.
Campbell might, for perception sakes, move van Dongen to another ministry or, to raise funds in this recession-riddled province, enter him in NASCAR events. There are options for our Johnny Lightning. Worst-case scenario he could run as an Indy-pendent. Bada boom, bada bing. (I’m here all week!)
Unlike many politicos, van Dongen doesn’t phone the media for photo-ops, he doesn’t blow his own horn and doesn’t go out of his way to make rivals look bad, which is rare in the nasty bloodsport of B.C. politics.
In fact, when NDP leader Carole James announced three years ago she would have to undergo cancer treatment, van Dongen was one of the first to wish her well.
This election, really, has its “scandals.” We should focus on government adding more MLAs and costs during a worldwide recession. We should talk about tolls to get to and from work, the Olympic cost overruns and fudget-security budgets.
We should talk about B.C. Rail, the Cambie Line business killer, health care, taxes, waste disposal, poverty, the homeless, gangs, justice and foresty.
Some or all of these issues could be the Achilles’ heel for van Dongen’s Liberals or for his own political future. But speeding as a “scandal?” Get real.
Tonight at Matsqui Centennial Auditorium, you can put Johnny on the spot and ask him about this and other important issues during an all-candidates’ meeting for Abbotsford South contenders.
You can meet Gurcharan, the likable Bonnie Rai (NDP), the always “interesting” Tim Felger (Independent) and newbie Daniel Bryce (Green).
And, because this forum starts at 7 p.m. sharp, you may have to “drive like Johnny” to get there after dinner.
Start your engines!

A SACRIFICIAL LIMB BY DESIGN

Jesse Tretick laughs about his earlier days as a “pool boy” in Harrison Hot Springs, knowing that union job was secure, paid well and had many beautiful perks.
Missing, however, was a creative outlet for one of Abbotsford’s most unassuming artists. So, the affable pool boy made a big splash into the unfiltered world of tattooing, and has quickly become one of the finest talents in the craft this side of nature’s playground.
Perhaps it was The Bucket List movie that inspired this reluctant daredevil to scribble together a “must-do-before-I-die” checklist.
That pre-exit agenda included a tattoo, but a desire to be carved up on a rare day off didn’t make it a top priority.
However, a funny thing happened on the way to work last week . . . I somehow ended up in the Renaissance Hair and Body Studio talking to Jesse and what he envisioned inking on me during the weekend’s Westcoast Tattoo Culture Show.
After flipping through pages of Jesse’s amazing artwork – he has done 1,600 “tats” in 3½ years – he inquired what was really important in my life. I blurted out “overdraft protection, Starbucks, Penelope Cruz and McDonald’s drive-thru,” hoping he’d change his mind and take his eyes off my virgin arm.
I panicked when he brushed that answer aside, knowing this was actually going to happen. Visions of a Chicago Sun story suddenly came to mind:
“Tattoo. What a loaded word it is, rife with associations to goons, bikers, tribal warriors, carnival freaks, sailors and floozies.”
Yikes, what would mom think? What would my neighbours, who already wonder about me, think? More importantly, what would the floozies think?
Jesse, an easygoing dude, assured all the horror stories were mostly embellished. He pointed to his own tattoo-covered neck and admitted there was “some discomfort” but nothing unbearable. In other words, it wasn’t as painful as an Abbotsford tax hike.
So, after a short brainstorming session, we decided on an Aztec-themed armband, because while others have angels, hearts, crosses, skulls and babes inked on their skin, I wanted to be like Charlie Brown on Halloween and say “I got a rock!”
Seriously, this Gringo has spent many memorable months in Mexico exploring caves, ruins and temples. I love the people’s zest for the simple life (and siestas and cervezas) and can relate to the Aztec tradition of human sacrifice, being a journalist in these troubled economic times!
Spent two hours in a chair Saturday at Tradex bringing Jesse’s brilliant creation to life. It hurt a bit – lots of needles, lots of cuts, lots of things that irritate a raw piece of skin. But what an amazing experience.
As hundreds passed by Jesse’s booth and said his work was outstanding, the burning sensation that was my numb arm became a patch of pride.
And these passerbys weren’t the “freaks” or the “bikers and gangsters” often synonymous with body art. These were moms, dads and your next door neighbour with a gardening fetish.
They were nice, salt-of-the-earth folks, like Jesse’s good buddy “Bailey,” a 23-year-old Mission resident who had a tattoo that went from his hip to his toes and took 30-plus hours to finish – and he was getting ready for more extensive work as my session ended.
Feeling like I had just overcome a fear and fulfilled a life-long dream, I noticed a poster on the Tradex wall: “Want extreme fun? Skydive from 12,500 feet today!”
Crazy, you say? Naw, just think of what Aztec art looks like from that height.
And besides, when you think of tattoos, doesn’t “da plane, da plane” come to mind?