There are only 21 shopping days before Christmas, 70 before the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics, 88 before they’re over, six-plus months before the next Tax Freedom Day and seven months before the HST rolls into B.C.
Speaking of mind-numbing numbers, there will not be 13 months in the new Saskatchewan calendar. And Swing A3 – anytime, anywhere, anyplace – will likely not be the name of Tiger Woods’ next Xbox golf game.
Speaking of green-keepers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced this week the Conservatives would chip in at least $20 million to restore Toronto’s Maple Leaf Gardens. Premier Gordon Campbell has agreed to fork over at least $458 million for a retractable roof at B.C. Place Stadium. And Abbotsford city council, which didn’t ask for a dime from either spend-happy leader to help fund our $130-million Plan A, is holding bake sales and gas tax meetings to make ends meet. Go figure!
Speaking of pet projects gone wild, the City of Vancouver officials – also holding bake sales to make ends meet – will close Stanley Park’s children’s farmyard to save money, meaning the only exposure to snakes and swine the kids will have while growing up are those wasting tax dollars.
And speaking of recycling, we now have Rafe Mair, Bill Vander Zalm and Moe Sihota telling us how they think the province should be managed. Crikey! Run Forrest, run!
Anyways, this somehow brings us to my pre-Christmas quiz, designed to give you something to think about before spending those holly jolly hours with in-laws, outlaws and extra weird family members. So, ho, ho, ho, here we go:
* You’re a little short of cash today, having bet the proverbial farm on a Saskatchewan Grey Cup victory. You believed the highly favoured Montreal Alouettes were not ready for Sunday’s big game because:
a.) Players spent all week arguing what Go Rogue means while in the shower.
b.) Players spent all week learning lyrics to Blue Rodeo tunes.
c.) Players seemed depressed about Oprah’s departure.
* Mark Taylor, the City of Abbotsford’s general manager of parks and recreation, says it will take a much better marketing effort by his crew to attract more folks west of here to fill arena seats for hockey, concerts and other events. The marketing slogan that might not fly here is:
a.) Hey hey, the gangs are really all here.
b.) Our new gas tax will make your drive here much smoother.
c.) On time, on budget – but our current debt sucks more than New Moon’s vampires.
* If you were to sum up the past year in a song it would likely be:
a.) I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me.
b.) If Money Talks, It Ain’t On Speaking Terms With Me.
c.) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised.
* High-profile sex scandals involving David Letterman, Bill Clinton, ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer and several U.S. politicos from the so-called Family Values Party, have made it clear you aren’t a major player. Besides not being rich, influential, powerful or good looking, your other minor problem may be the weak pick-up lines you’re using. The first line you’d delete from now on is:
a.) “Hey baby, I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!”
b.) “I’m a love pirate and I’m here for your booty. Arrrggghhh!”
c.) “Hi, I’m Vern from the Valley.”
* It didn’t take long for jokes about Tiger Woods to surface after voicemails from female golf “fans” began surfacing. Your favourite is:
a.) Tiger is so rich he owns a lot of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
b.) What was Tiger and his wife doing out at 2:30 a.m.? They went clubbing.
c.) Difference between a car and golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
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